No words no explainations no titles no consequence no guilt no past no future no how or what just now. Clouds lined with flashes of possibilities. Lines dance across my face & I lie before you helpless. Thoughts hazing, bodies blazing; Sounds take control & consume. Me & you in this glowing room. Body, chest, faint of breathe. To the war within myself I admit defeat, I give in to you as words become obselete. We fall apart & together again. This must be fate as our souls resonate. My heart laments as reality grants us a slow descent. Time grants me my logic as our spirits mend. I wont pretend to defend a day that isn’t coming. Breakaway, detach regroup & I hand over my surrender knowing I can’t help but remember. I am leaving here without you.

It’s the opening & closing of chapters. Sit tight & stay tuned to find out what happens after. We open & close different doors with the same people; on this desperate quest to find one to call your equal: A poorly written sitcom filled with character cuts, & sequels. We thirst on needing to be needed & wanting to be wanted until it drives us insane: you see the love & the pain go hand in hand: they change with the seasons & with every new character you get a whole new set of reasons. They never want you when you want them to. You try to give away a piece of your heart but they never stop & listen & it’s only when you leave em they discover that it’s you that they been missing. Well aint that about a bitch & now we’ve got a situation. Everything has to be a fuckin conquest of complications. You see love is easy when you’re young. It’s supposed to be simple & that’s fact; but we get old & it’s us who add the extras with the sappy soundtrack. Anyhow let’s get back on track, let’s talk about the ones who pull the disappearing acts. You’ve moved on with you’re life as all grown people should & then there’s an incoming text from an unknown number with a casual “what’s good?”. Grab your scripts & let’s go with the typical conversation & they’ll say all that they’ve been meaning to: followed by the oh so shocking “When can I see you boo?”. Oh I see, so I should put my heart on hold until you’re good & ready. In a good place with someone else so of course now you’d like to go steady. Look at all the sweet things they say, You see the games we play? What happened to I like you, you like me, please be mine. If you give em enough rope, they’ll only continue to climb. Sorry to say but I wont be your coulda woulda shoulda. You see I’d rather replace em than chase em: I leave my mark & then I’m through. I’ll never be a plan B, a backup or number two. But it aint easy & all though a part of me is grieving, sometimes a part of loving is leaving. I’ve forsaken my thirst & this time I’ve decided to put my own heart first. Through the pain I found strength that led to me to rebirth & the new one I’m with has known from the beginning all that I was worth. & now I know I said I’m leaving but be honest yall, there’s a part of us that keeps on believing. You see love aint no hocus pocus. You can’t will it away; it just takes time & focus & biding for better days. The message here is clear. Now they’re chasing after you, it’s funny how shit get’s reversed; It doesn’t matter who comes knocking, I only ride with those who put me first.

& don’t take my retreat as a sign of defeat. Disenchanted by the words that you say, I bide my tongue in hope of better days. You see by your side is where I’ve resigned myself to stay. Pain on repeat, your words slice & ignite me. This love that we yearn for we begin to burn for. You see a part of hanging on is learning to cope with the burning. But sometimes I don’t know how to be patient & I’ve never been one to be complacent. Cat & mouse, who will be the one to give chase. Caught up in the quest for vindication it becomes easy to forget why we’re here in the first place. When I signed up for this; it was do or die. A moment in your eyes became the reasons why. I’m here in whatever capacity that you’d take me. In all this chaos we found safety.

You know I love myself. But sometimes I wonder if I love ‘love’ more. This ‘love’ opens the door to somethings we never asked for. I found myself in a wonderland filled with pretty birds & pretty words but everything pretty comes with an ugly price. As soon as you release those words you start to lose bits & pieces of yourself in attempt to become one with someone else. I close my eyes as the tears begin to burn themselves on the insides of my lids, you see my pride forbids letting them fall. Undesiring of a fight, I push back my spite. These feelings aren’t for show; I can’t feed the fire I know, because whatever you feed is going to grow & when the cons outweigh the pros then it’s time that you go. Sometimes ‘love’ is enduring a beating you didn’t deserve. Sometimes ‘love’ is stepping outside of your glass house. Sometimes ‘love’ is falling on your own sword which is a price most men can never afford. Sometimes ‘love’ is leaving when things are at there worst, your self love must come first. You see ‘love’ is human so it’ll never be perfect; it comes with hurt but you decide how much of it is worth it.

& I can’t get you out of my head so instead after you I chase with not a second to waste. Footsteps of you etched in the trails of my mind. Echoes of your words become a ladder that I struggle to climb. Feelings hit me harder than winter wind. Just left you & I’m already wishing we could begin again. Waves of emotion hit me like avalanches, so I guess this is me missing you & when I can see you next begins to become my next issue. Like a slab of cement to the ribs you have ravaged your way inside of me. Inside of my thoughts, inside of my feelings, inside of my channels; wondering if this is something I can handle. So deep in you that even now I can still hear you, baby I can still feel you, I’m starting to fear you when all I want is to be near you. Can you blame me for being fearful when with just a touch I become tearful. You lift my spirits like the sunrise & I’m not afraid of losing because I know real fire never dies & when I look into your eyes there isn’t a question: You’re my only desire & just like that baby I’m on fire.. I’m on fire.

I guess these deuces aint so wild seeing as how my number you still aint dialed. It’s been three days & I aint smiled, got my face stuck in a wow, shit’s crazy. It’s four in the morning & I’m still up & I’ve taken it personal, not to blow you up; I guess enough was enough. You said you were going for a while & I said cool cause fear aint my style; my face still caught in a wow & it’s crazy. I assumed that there were words you aint wanna hear, cause after your sorry you disappeared; Damn it looks like fear, but I can’t claim your guilt. Feelings changing like the seasons but I wont make you the reasons to re-become the old me. Now believe me it was easy to give less of myself to expect more & it was true when they said it was insane to do the same things just to expect more. A disengagement between two people is a poor excuse to revert back to old abuse & I’m over the games I used to play. I’m in a good place so I guess I’ll stay. The harder I try not to look stupid the stupider I wind up looking, I must’ve been mistooken. But what can I say I move fast. So the next time I’ll have my make up ready with a couple of clown masks. Overnight feelings lead me to overdosing & it’s true. Attempting to patch myself together with vodka like it’s glue. My face still caught in a wow & it’s crazy. My life doesn’t have a control alt delete it’s just the fresh sting of defeat that lingers with the trace of your fingers. I’m no stranger to overnight feelings & extra slow healing & though it’s a habit, I just have to go with what I’m feeling. Shit so crazy that I could barely believe me, nor could I believe how you ran & quit that easy. Always hated relying on someone else to make me feel secure, always found the relationship thing to be a bit obscure but I still returned for more, shit’s crazy. Silly hoes that I can’t shake, already trying to fill your space that I haven’t even opened. I won’t bore anyone with my speeches, but it takes two to pick up the pieces & I guess I’m the fool. I may have been foolish but at least I was true & what’s a boy to do but get over it. Said you were going for a while, got my face stuck in a wow & it’s crazy. My face locked in a wow.. there goes my baby.

& there you are. Back in the same place you said you wouldn’t be. Different faces in the same places with the same promises that will go undelivered. I sat there smoking cigarettes at 5 in the morning. You see that night I got it popping. & as silly as it may be; but when it becomes difficult to be me I find poisons to please me, you see they free me from the shackles I voluntarily put myself into. I listen to the dial tone though I’d prefer a voice. (Click) there goes our lifeline. The vacancy in my heart is obvious so I treat it with doses of honesty. Just because I don’t call doesn’t mean I’m not dying to speak to you. But the missing you is temporary & the lesson learned is life long. Have you ever layed in an empty bed with someone lie-ing beside you. You see you are not a person, you are people. You are every mistake & you are everyone that I; the naive child in me has entertained. Now I am awake. (Scroll click delete) Is this another defeat? … No because now I have become a realist & a wait-er, because I know it gets greater later. That’s why when they disappear I never worry, because I know the difference between what’s real versus what’s temporary. So this time I was sure as the ashes hit the floor that when you lie with empty people you’re just as empty & alone all the same. I lie alone now & I no longer return home with the scents of others. Under my hopeful heart yet again I bear the weight of an empty room except this time the light has not left my eyes. & so I sat there smoking cigarettes at 5 in the morning siempre en el amor conmigo (forever in love with me) <3

Wound up in the hustle, these days begin to blend. Taking time for granted can be lethal, so for a second please allow me to be see through. Crazy how easy it is to get caught up. Caught up in this mind frame when all I was chasing was validation. Wanting someone else to make me feel wanted. Lack of expectations leaves me room to be surprised, so I play it closely. Like if I back up a bit will you still approach me.  Roads become dead ends when what you desire of someone else is what you should be giving to yourself. Logic leads me to self preservation but at some point the heart takes over. It’s raw & it doesn’t taste as good as the pretty words I been feeding you but now you really feel me. & every sip of this cup makes it harder to keep this front going, this jealousy is growing & this weakness is showing. Words betray me & I start to retreat, hands up head down: a peaceful defeat. I wrote the rules to my own game, so I go from player to imposter cause I could never be okay with being another number on your roster. I got no grounds to fight you so if I disappear I guess I’m spiteful but oh well, I guess I like you.

How quickly something casual becomes complicated. Added feelings subtract the simplicity that usually equals a disaster. Like how the morning after you wanna be held for a little longer. The battle between the desire for pleasure & the yearning to be treasured. & how they never want you for the reasons you want them to. The shame & how its hard to ask for help when there’s no one to blame but yourself because when you cheapen yourself you weaken yourself. How bad decisions fool you into thinking you deserve no better. You’ve got to be real with your issues to deal with your issues. Sex addiction comes from emotional loses. It’s a form of love & some men grieve that way. The first stepping stone for finding love is finding it first within yourself. When you start to realize that special something, you cease being someone Else’s funthing. You grow up the day you realize you aren’t a nothing.